I’ve been feeling as “if” for about a week or more now, so I got the pregnancy test and took it Sunday afternoon. Positive! So quickly and very positive! Two hot pink lines flaming from the middle of a home pregnancy test! The emotions that flooded over me were mixed. Some elation, some shock, and then the fear. Fear, because just 9 months earlier I had experienced the loss of miscarriage not once, but twice in two months. The grief was so overwhelming and cruel that I pushed it away and drew into myself so deeply that I became physically ill. It was the most alone I’d ever felt. What can anyone say to make this alright? it wasn’t alright. People try to console you, but in their doing so, end up driving the “knife” of agony in just a little deeper. (side note— the best thing to say to someone who is grieving the loss of an unborn baby is “I’m so sorry” and then just let them cry on your shoulder or listen to their ramblings whether they make sense or not, because they probably won’t– grief is unreasonable sometimes—read Psalms, read Job…..the voice of heart pain isn’t always logical or righteous)
I had lost babies that I didn’t even get the chance to know. Although I hadn’t planned on having another child—I had moved on with life after “infertility” and had since adopted two wonderful babies. After all, I had three “birth” children and now two “heart” children. I was content— but was delighted to find myself pregnant. My husband was sharing in this joy along with our families. I believe there aren’t’ many women that experience an unexpected pregnancy that will say they weren’t eventually excited and pleasantly surprised. No, actually we settle into the wonder of life growing within us in a short matter of moments after that second pink line shows up on the drug store test. Then 24 hours later we’re thinking of baby names, dreaming of how precious that little one will be, and asking about the latest maternity clothes styles. Maybe that wasn’t the picture for some, but it was for me. I surprised even myself.
So, here I go again…..asking God to lead me through this. Yes, I admit I questioned God with “why” when I lost my last two babies and I’m sure if I lose this precious one, I will ask again. Some may believe that its a sin to question God. Perhaps it may be foolish or sinful to question God and then rebelliously refuse to listen for our answer. God is not fooled. He already knows the questions we have although we may not utter them. Even if we never cry out “why”, our hearts burst with emotion, whether we bury it deep or not. Our Creator knows the deepest parts of our hearts and minds whether we express them to Him or not. God is a big enough God to not have his feelings hurt when we question Him. I may question, but in the end I always come back to “I trust you, Lord”. And then I ask for peace and comfort for whatever His answer will be. If we don’t ask questions then how will we get answers?
I know that my Heavenly Father knows what’s best for me and knows the future. I will sometimes see things from a dim earthly view and that view is cruel sometimes. Thankfully, there is always hope. Always….and only because of His unconditional love for me. I want to be honest with my relationship with God. So, when I am hurt, I tell Him. I tell him when I don’t understand and I tell him when I’m afraid. And yes, sometimes I express my anger at feeling that he’s being unfair – which I end up asking forgiveness for…. And then I ask Him to hold me while I move forward in spite of my foolish misgivings, lack of faith or despair.
For now, my prayers are for the health of this unborn blessing. If my Father in heaven chooses to allow this one to also leave this world before his or her “birth” day then I will still be thankful for the time I did have. I have chosen not to worry. I had my few hours of fear and mental anguish that I would suffer again soon. But, I realize that I was just borrowing trouble after all, I am still pregnant……I have a new life growing inside me and a miraculous awareness of the presence of this unborn blessing. I am going to enjoy the moments for as long as I have them. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for us, but I’m trusting in the One who does even if my human heart doesn’t understand all the “why’s” of life.
By the way, this is my oldest and my youngest……just under two years ago……they are now 20 and 2 years old………and there are 3 more besides…..just proof that God has already blessed me…..and now is blessing again.