For the past few days I’ve had so many words that I’ve wanted to put down but know that in doing so, someone might be hurt in some way. The ironic thing is that I had imagined within my own reasoning that it would close the door on some healing for me and someone I love dearly. On the other hand, and there is always “the other hand”, I just feel like I need to censor myself on this matter. I’ve rearranged words in my head trying to find ways that I could tell our story without causing any offense or pain. The trouble is, I just can’t find a way to do that. In writing down our pain, it would indeed bring trouble to someone if not others. The ridiculous thing is that this is an old wound, a wound that I thought had healed and would never need attending to again. But, here I have found myself nursing these gaping holes of emotions not only for myself but for my loved one. Revisiting these old heartaches was brought on by the death of someone indirectly involved and in some ways directly. The range of emotions we have dealt with have brought everything from sadness to anger to feelings of injustice and the need to once again ask the questions we never got answers to like “why” and “how”.
I will never understand the ways in which one human being can inflict so much cruelty to another simply due to selfishness, greed, and dishonesty. The impact of damage is life long to the one harmed and is from then on carried and dealt with as an infliction that needs attending to once in a while. We are survivors of these misdeeds and cruelties. Our survival was brought about only by the mercies and Love of God. As I battled in my mind over wanting to tell our story and shout out about the injustice, I was reminded of how we are supposed to allow God to be our avenger. He gently asks us to step out of the way and allow Him to be our great avenger. When we don’t see the offenses done to us dealt with or at least in a way that we thought it should be, we get impatient and feel the need to take matters into our own hands, whether its with our words or deeds. In these past few days as I’ve replayed these painful memories I thought were stashed away in the “bad memory files”, God has reminded me of how much He has replaced my sorrow with joy. He has given me beauty for ashes. Everything I have lost has been replaced and with so much more than I would have ever dreamed for myself and my loved ones. Because of this great outpouring of love and mercy into our lives, I can let go of my very human desire to seek justice even if that justice is through writing about it. Most of my readers will never have a clue as to what I am censoring today, and those of you who do have already known what I have had to go through to get to this point in my life where I can say, I truly choose forgiveness, even if I have to forgive the offender daily simply because my memory bank will pull the offence up at times. The only way this kind of forgiveness is possible is because of the knowledge of God’s forgiveness to all of us. I have been on the receiving end of this unconditional love of God and want to reflect His ways. So I forgive….and when it is difficult to forget, I remind myself of how much God has done for me. His blessings far outweigh the pain I’ve experienced in life.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:19)
These words are for you, my darling one. You know who you are to me and to our Heavenly Father. You are a treasure beyond earthly wealth and I’m so very proud of you. I love you dearly and know that you are in God’s mighty protective hands. His plans for you were written before your precious life on this earth began. Seek healing of this profound injustice through God’s abundant love and mercy. His ways are not ours and some things we will never get the answers to on this earth…that’s why we must lean on our faith that God is always in control. You are a gift from God to me.