Here lately, I’ve been operating on “automatic”, walking through my life robotically – one foot in front of the other, dragging along doing what I should and need, but hardly ever what I want. I have lost my mojo, I feel like the colors have all faded from my personality. I feel dull and monochrome – not even a good monochrome, but rather pasty and mostly muted. This isn’t the “me” I used to be or the “me” I want to be. What happened? When did I let life suck the color out of me? I’m not even satisfied that its life. Its a long dreary list of things and maybe even a few people.
My new mission is to put life back into my life, music back into my “song” and the rainbow back into my heart. God’s given me so much and I live every day thankful yet am so tired of the burden of dreariness that I’ve been carrying. He didn’t make me this way and I don’t want to be guilty of allowing the troubles in this life to push me into a shell.
Every morning I am greeted by the innocent little smiles and bright eyes of my children. This world hasn’t sucked the color out of their little personalities just yet and I don’t want them to have to see their mommy dragged down. I love watching the baby play…such a wonderful example of carefree joy! Just the sight of his precious full face smiles brings a smile to my own tired face. I’m always accusing him of being my little “sunshine.” My children have anchored me to this life with purpose. I don’t want to be just their caretaker by all the daily essentials…..I also want to be their inspiration and the one who teaches them to live life out loud and joyfully because of what our Savior has given us. Life – and life abundant.
That list of “stuff” that’s kicked color and music out of my soul….well, I’m replacing it with a new list. This list will be filled with gratitude and notes made of beautiful things that I’ve seen and experienced, names and stories of people who have touched my heart or been kind in some way to me or those precious to me……the list will have things on it I will be working on, creating…..songs I’ve sang and music I’ve played…colorful quilts I sew, pictures I paint and gifts I make and give away….this list will be of walks that I’ve taken with my babies and people who know me and love me for who I am.
I’m gonna get my colors back. I’m gonna get back to the “me” God created me to be.